This is an actual journal excerpt while on my travels in New Zealand, typos and all. A true conversation with myself.
so i was driving to auckland, takes about 3 hours. Spirit told me no need to fill up [petrol] before i leave rotorua. i said ok, but holy shit Spirit caught me real close. like literally, there was only one digital bar left of gas and it was blinking and i seriously could have cried. i feel like still crying, it was a close call. i finally came across a po-dunk gas station with old school rotary numbers. the sun was almost down and my cell phone was almost dead. and i have no international calling.
and then i decided to book a single room instead of a shared female room [at the hostel]. i did the shared thing last night and i’m sure they weren’t too happy with my runny nose and sneezing, etc. so early in the am. so as i booked the room for just myself i realized that i have been forcing myself to be or act poor when i know i am capable of so much more [in life]. so i asked myself why…
and i realized that some part of me believed there was honor in struggling, there was honor in poverty, especially as a healer. and a big part of me is like, uh..i don’t like this. and it’s ok to have a preference for nice things, but i have wasted so much time feeling guilty for wanting nice things.
even the running out of gas issue, it’s like how or why did I attract that. and all i can hear from Spirit is that i choose to barely get by, and now on this trip i get to see things manifest exactly and instantly what my energy is putting out. and so i’m going to clear all that tonight, like feeling like there is honor in struggling, barely getting by, etc. manifested in barely frickin making the gas station. ugh. no more
so i think i get to honestly feel what it is like to live like a poor person, sharing everything, kinda dirty, communal etc and just this whole lifestyle and i can say i don’t like it. i probably thought maybe i could walk that line but i can say now this isn’t me. lol. granted its not exactly like a poor person because i get to travel but, you know what i mean
i realize now that i know in my head that i deserve greatness because i am greatness, i just now want to have an EXPERIENCE of it. but the stuff of greatness is already there, it’s just a matter of putting it forth in the world so i can feel the reality of it, even though it is already real. hope that makes sense
i might not do the 2 day long walk [25 miles] anymore. i think i’ve spent a lot of time PROVING things to myself. for what? why do i care? who am i proving it to? i think i convinced myself that i was proving it to myself but really it must be for others. to show that i’m strong and independent, etc. but when i realized that all i wanna do is have fun and relax, then is it really necessary to put myself through a 2 day walk with barely any food??? i’m like annoyed that i’ve spent so much time in my life proving shit. i’m not sure why i booked so much [activities]. Spirit said it had something to do with needing to prove that i struggled, so i kept attracting struggle. So i purposely was making things hard on myself so that i could come out the other end and be like, hey i went through this hard week and i’m alive and you know, the honor in the struggle thing. Sooo not necessary because why do i care what people think??? They don’t care about how hard I struggled. They are not there to say you struggled X amount and now you deserve to have a good life. They’re not there on the sidelines taking measurement. I mean, who am I to think that people are watching me that closely with their precious time. Even if they do care and are keeping score, why do I care what they think? I’m never going to please everyone. I get that now.
when it’s me by myself i can hear so much of my beliefs come out and make themselves known. its really very obvious now.
I’m gonna review the itinerary and just relax i think. i do want to do the walk, but doesn’t need to be 2 days worth of no showers and barely eating. wtf was i thinking? oh yeah, i needed to prove i was honorable by struggling. Craziness! i’m even like, hey i wish i brought my makeup because all other girl backpackers have basic makeup on. But no, i had to make life hard on myself and not pack makeup.