So there’s a funny thing that happened when I turned to the world of spiritual healing as a career. I turned off that part of myself that was daring, bold, fierce, and…BADASS. I guess I thought to be all of those qualities was equivalent to getting wrapped up in my ego. So I shut it down. I went full-force into the world of zen and aspired to be zen master all day, every day. I quietly told myself, “This is what is expected of me as a spiritual leader.”
And at that moment, I disowned a part of me that made me, ME, and instead took stock in others’ expectations.
So there I was on Black Friday, asking my friend Kaleo, a Nissan salesman to show me a car that was “functional.” No bells and whistles. Something that just gets the job done and preferably uses an alternative to petrol, as if God himself is going to smite me for having a fun, flirty, and environmentally-ignorant car.
He insisted I drive a sporty car. I insisted no. He strongly suggested, “Just try it, I think you’ll like it.”
And there I was test-driving a car made for racing.
Next thing I know I was going fast in a 6-speed, bumping the subwoofer and signing the papers to my new fun, flirty, fierce, fast car. Out the door I went and something came alive in me. My passion. My mojo. My BADASS. I remembered her. The woman I turned off so my “spirituality” could come alive.
Then a couple weeks later a miracle happened. Beyoncé released an amazing self-titled album full of songs that turned me on. Passion, love, anger, empowerment, it was all there, telling me to strip myself of society’s expectations. And I bumped that sh*t loud in my new car. Every cell was remembering my “I don’t shrink for anyone” BADASS self.
I liked her—this rediscovered part of me. I loved her. She was me. I embraced her and wasn’t sure why I ever abandoned her. I looked at her in the mirror and rushed back to her like a regretful lover departing at the airport. I was truly sorry.
So why did I hide her? Why did I tell her to get lost? Simple. I had these pre-conceived notions about what it means to be “spiritual” and what it means to be a leader to others. I made a decision in my mind that it was important to be loved by others and in doing so, I thought I had to let go of the parts I thought they wouldn’t or couldn’t accept. And so I told my friend to get lost because the world couldn’t fathom that a spiritual healer would dare drive a gas-guzzling vehicle or bump intensely sexual music from her car.
I actually don’t know if it’s true that others’ wouldn’t accept my BADASS self, but in my mind I believed they wouldn’t. I couldn’t reconcile the two parts of me, so how could they?
And therein lies the root of all of this madness. I simply just needed to unconditionally accept all parts of me and be ok with it, regardless of the expectations of others. And some people may still care and want me to drive a Prius and scoff when I rap with vulgarity in my car, but that’s the trickiness of ego. There’s no one “look” to spirituality and to assume that means you haven’t accepted the beauty in the individuality of each person’s essence. There is also no such thing as a right way or wrong way, and yet we get caught up in those terms often. Spirituality is all about expressing who you really are at your core. Ghetto fab, badass bitch, seductress, it’s all about figuring out who you are and truly accepting you and all parts that make up the whole you.