I’ve been through a lot of breakups. Breakups are a bitch, plain and simple. Even the easy ones. I’ve had all sorts of breakups—easy, medium, and hard. I’m not a fan of pain, but I’m also not afraid of it. I will face pain head on, knowing that it’s the only way to make it go away. I try to move through it as quickly as possible and come out the other end with gratitude and completion. That’s just me and my personality.
There are phases of grief. I’m not going to talk about them because chances are you’ve been through a breakup or two and already know what’s coming. I want to speak specifically about how to move through them as quickly as possible. I don’t claim to be a relationship expert, but enough people have asked me for my advice that I thought I’d write about what has helped me get through it each time.
When moving through tough emotions you can get over it “faster” by:
- Feeling it—feel all of it. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. Just be in it. Give yourself permission to feel. You don’t need to act on it, but feeling it will make way for it to be released. This part takes extreme courage because sometimes it truly does feel like you’re going to die because of your pain. Just know that you won’t, and you’re not. The tears eventually do stop, and they stop faster if you let yourself cry on the outside than cry on the inside.
- Acknowledging it—actually saying out loud to yourself, “I am feeling _________ because of __________.”
- Honoring it—let it be. Give your emotions the respect and time it deserves. Observe yourself as a fly on your wall. See yourself going through the emotions. Allow it to be, knowing that it will all pass once you can accept what your current state of emotion is.
- Coming to gratitude and forgiveness—naturally and organically getting to the point where you have gratitude for that pain and for the relationship that once was. You don’t have to force the negative out of you, just open up so it will release itself. The more you deny how you feel, the more it will get stuck in your system and hold you hostage. It is absolutely okay to feel sad, angry, resentful, hurt, or vengeful. Physically hurting someone is not okay, but allowing yourself to feel all those emotions is perfectly okay and necessary.
Understand that an ending does not mean it failed. The relationship and your souls wanted to take a different path to allow both of you to grow. Society tells us we failed, but remember that sometimes success looks nothing like what we intended it to be, nor what is conventional.
See the larger perspective. When you can step back and see the larger perspective of why things happened the way they did, knowing that everything is meant for your enlightenment, you will see the beauty in the complexity of life from your smallest to your largest struggles.
Know that ultimately it’s not about them. It’s about you and what your soul wants to gain from this, so don’t deprive yourself of the learning and enlightenment that comes from seeing the larger perspective of what part of the situation was meant for your growth. We are never victims in this world. We choose and attract every experience for our learning, so catch yourself when you are speaking as a victim of what he/she did to you. Ask yourself, “How or why would my soul want to attract this experience? What can I learn from it?”
Everyone’s timeline in the grief process is different. “As fast as possible” for some may mean 6 months, for someone else it’s 2 weeks. Just allow yourself the space to move through it all and it will go…as fast as you can possibly handle.